|Out of Hell: Reflections on Losing 150 Pounds
Author Unknown -
Gastic Bypass Info Center on Yahoo Groups
So many nights, I whimpered and cried,
Thought that my prayers had all been denied.
Stuffing my feelings, ashamed of my plight,
Trying to stop, with all of my might.
Shoving in cold spaghetti, at three in the morning,
Frying shrimps by the time the daylight was dawning.
Drinking gallons of soda, my heart wildly beating,
Hating myself, 'cause I couldn't stop eating.
The monster in me would come out to play,
And as much as I begged him, he wouldn't go 'way.
Morning would come, and that is when,
The whole vicious cycle would start once again.
Tears would be streaming, I felt like a cow,
I wanted to stop, but I didn't know how.
Boarding a plane, and seeing the fear
In the eyes of the others..." Don't let her sit here!"
Walking a block, and feeling such pain,
That I went right back home to start eating again.
" Your face is so pretty! Start using your head!"
"Just eat smaller portions , " my family said.
" Put down the fork! Push back from the table!"
That's what my friends said...But I wasn't able.
" Willpower's the secret! We'll help you get through it!"
" TRY HARDER, " they urged...But I couldn't do it.
I tried every diet to get back on track,
I'd lose weight and then just gain twice as much back!
Every morning I'd pray, " God let me be good..."
Then I'd fail once again...and no one understood.
Each new day would bring another attempt,
Each evening would bring still more self-contempt.
Filled with self-loathing, such awful remorse,
Simply unable to get back on course.
Overwhelmed with this state of awful depression,
Giving in to this dark, paralyzing obsession.
I thought to myself, " You'll always be fat..
Accept it, move on! Learn to live with that fact! "
Questioning God and wondering why,
Positive that I was destined to die.
Yet something inside me was whispering, "No..
There MUST be a way..It HAS to be so."
I felt a new Barbara was waiting inside me,
And it was her voice, I permitted to guide me.
I knew I could no longer go on this way,
Desperate and dying, bit by bit, day by day.
So I got on my knees, and prayed for relief,
Then God sent a miracle to lessen my grief.
A way to stop eating, so crazy I thought,
Went against everything I had been taught.
This was my last option, I felt like a jerk
If this didn't do it, then NOTHING would work!
So I trusted the doctors, wholly and blindly,
And my God smiled down, completely and kindly.
An unorthodox treatment, but working so well,
To help lift me OUT of this ongoing hell.
A surgical wonder, that acts as a tool
To battle the fat, which has made life so cruel.
So as scared as I was, I knew I'd get through it...
Since I was so much more afraid not to do it.
And it went very smoothly, and I'm convinced that
That pain was less than the pain of this fat.
Nothing could hurt more than being this size,
While seeing the pity in everyone's eyes.
That part of my life is over and done,
But I'll never forget the place I come from.
I'll always be grateful, I'll always be driven
To bestow upon others the support I've been given.
The obsession has lifted, I'm whole and I'm free,
God and my surgeon gave my life back to me.
I 've learned to eat slowly, I've learned how to chew
Enjoying my food, as normal folks do.
I eat when I'm hungry, I stop when I'm not,
Being fat, in this life, will not be my lot.
I eat not for sport, but just to survive,
My whole life is changing...I'm glad I'm alive!
I will reach the goal that I'm aiming toward,
I've truly been blessed...Thank You, Dear Lord.
The peace that I feel is calming and true,
And for those who still suffer...I wish it for you.